If you would have told 20yr old me that I would possibly not want to have kids one day, I would have laughed hysterically in your face with the “you crazy” at the end. I’m not entirely sure when the switch was flipped but I think the light was dimming around age 28 to last year when I turned 30. My young girl dream was to have 5 kids. I wanted to keep up with my mother. Then she went and had 2 more and I said nope! Not gonna happen.

Wanna Make God Laugh?

Mother’s Day really had me thinking about a lot all at once. We were celebrating mothers and we also mentioned those who may not be able to become mothers or who have lost children. I do not fall in any of those categories. More days I don’t even want to be in any of those categories. It’s a very strange and new feeling for me though. I remember painting my life in my head as young as 14 years old and it included a husband by 22 and 3 kids by 28. But I think the saying goes “Wanna make God laugh? Tell Him your plans”. Or something like that.

My life has not turned out to look anything remotely close to how I pictured it. I was forming my future based on what I saw on television mostly. My reality is far more complex and definitely not shy of unique circumstances.

Professional Babysitter

If you’re a regular reader you know I’m the oldest child of 7! I’ve been babysitting since I started teething. I have watched my little cousins and also my neighbor’s kids. Working at a daycare center and being a paid babysitter are also a part of my résumé. And I will tell anybody who will listen that I was a live-in nanny for my nephew from birth until he was 3yrs old. I thought that I was in preparation of having my own kids. The title professional would have been mine by the time I popped out my little rugrats. But I guess God or the universe has different plans.

It just hasn’t happened, and I don’t think I would be too disappointed if it didn’t. nor would I be distraught if it did. Whatever path my life is on I am fully on board and willing to accept any and all blessings. Don’t get me wrong though, I have been reckless!1!! I have had adventures and have missed a few periods but still, nothing. I don’t know the reason, biologically or spiritually but I no longer feel like a failure for not making my mom a grandmother yet.

I’m not rushing anymore

First of all, my mom’s not even 50 yet so she’ll be ok. There was a period in time where I felt like I had to reach out to my ex to secure his sperm because I thought he looked good and that was enough to just make one. Then I remembered that behaviors and personality traits can be passed down to the child and I changed my mind. Quick!!

There’s no rush for me anymore. If I do get pregnant at this age I will already be categorized as a geriatric pregnancy so oh well. Maybe I’m just meant to be the cool bougie aunty who only stops by for holidays and birthdays because she’s always traveling and gives all her nieces and nephews money. Either way, I currently have no desire to procreate. I’m not married, just single, freshly out of my thot phase. But if I am blessed with bringing life into this world, best believe I will love on that tiny human with all I have.

Motherhood may not be your calling and that is more than ok. Just make sure that your life serves you first. Let everything else fall into place on its own. If it is His will, it will be.

2 Comments on I Wanted To Be A Mother…Then I Didn’t

2 Replies to “I Wanted To Be A Mother…Then I Didn’t”

  1. Jayell, thanks for sharing your perspective.
    I also had plans for a husband and children before 30 and now I’m 42. Still enjoying single life and thriving.
    There was a time when I became anxious and briefly considered some questionable characters, but realized that the naive me attempted to make decisions that would be long-lasting and, ultimately not in my future child nor my best interest.
    Thank you for being one of the voices that reminds women that it is possible to live fully without attaching mother to your life’s resume.

    1. Thank you so much for reading Jemila!! I’m thrilled to hear that you are thriving in life. I think that should be our ultimate goal. I will forever champion for a woman’s choice to live how she sees fit regardless of the pressures of society.

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