Another day dedicated to the woman who gave me life. The woman who has always put her children first and second. I know everyone’s relationship with their mother is different of course. Some don’t have a relationship at all depending on the circumstance. The relationship I have with my mother is pure, distant and stressful. But not for the generic definitions of those words. My mother lives 2,935 miles away from me and I have not physically laid eyes on her since I was 13yrs old. Yet, we are annoyingly close! We be sharing all the tea, or “shush” (that’s the term we use in Belize) about our lives. There’s no topic off limits.
I say it’s stressful because I’m hard on myself and want to provide a better life for her since yesterday! I do what I can and she’s always grateful, yet I am my biggest critic so the progress is not moving fast enough for me some days. Majority of my days I am reminded by her that God makes no mistakes and everything happens according to His plan. Those words bring me back to reality so that I am not so hard on myself.
This Mother’s Day is her first without her own mother being on this earth. It’s my first Mother’s Day without the other woman responsible for the person I have grown up to be. She passed away in two months ago in March and through the tears we managed to let her memory live on with stories of her. My mom is the youngest child, the baby, she was still a teenager when she had me. I don’t know what they’re relationship was like before I got here but my grandmother was my mother too and a mother to all her grandchildren that lived in or visited that house. Honestly it still feels weird knowing I can’t call my grandmother anymore. During the week I watch Family Matters because she loved laughing at Steve Urkel and Waldo. It makes me smile when I hear her laugh in my head sometimes.
My grandmother made many sacrifices for her children and grandchildren to have a more fulfilling life. That brings me to my own mother who was a single mother of two by the time I was a year old. My father passed away in 1991 just a few months after my sister was born. She did not see herself doing it alone because she thought he would always be around. More often than not, life really just throughs anything at you. Although she didn’t raise her kids with their father, her mother helped her tremendously. When my grandmother fell ill a few years ago my mother was her fulltime care taker. I would listen to my mother vent about how hard it was seeing her mother suffer from her illness and it would make us cry on the phone without acknowledging that we were both crying. There were some difficult days and when she passed we were distraught. We had to remind ourselves that she was no longer suffering on this earth but that did not cause the pain to subside.
She’s no longer physically with us but we believe that her spirit is watching over us everyday. It’s been intense for the past two months and maybe that’s why I’ve immersed myself in my work as a way to distract myself from my feelings of emptiness. My mother will have to deal with the void left from the passing of her mother but she has her 7 children to make her laugh with their shenanigans. Yes 7 children, her own basketball team with 2 subs, we should start a league. I still don’t know how she does it and I have nothing but respect for her strength and tenacity to inspire her children to always strive for the best.
I know my siblings will make sure she relaxes today. She has a serious problem with always wanting to do something but I told them to snitch on her if she does anything other than relax. They’re my children too but that’s another post for another time.
Happy Mother’s Day to my grandmother in Heaven, my aunt who also had a hand in raising me and especially my own mother who is also my best friend.