This is the fourth week of me working from home. Four weeks of seeing this meme circling around social media. The first week I was liking this meme no matter who posted it. Because I was sure that I would be using this quarantine time for good. There were books lined up that I had purchased but never read. I had my sports bras front and center in my dresser ready for my 2 hour a day work out. I had blog topics drafted and ready for me to dive into. Productivity was going to be my middle name!

The Shift

May perpetual light shine upon her – (check my thoroughly greased hear lol)

Then on the start of the second week of my quarantine and work, my grandmother passed away. That night when I got the news I was in a pool of tears on a foundation of sorrow. I cried until my vision was blurry and a permanent migraine set in. She was 85 years old and very ill so it was her time to no longer suffer. But that didn’t make it hurt any less to lose the woman who raised me. I was the first child for my mother who was still a teenager so my grandmother was my second mother. I was processing my loss in quarantine and still seeing this meme. The difference now is that I have no desire to do any of the things I said I would do during this quarantine. All I could think about was my grandmother having her socially distant funeral in Belize while the family tunes in on Facebook live. Something I could have never imagined.

Just fed up

Going thru every emotion

She passed away on Monday and by Saturday they had the funeral. I was emotional. Family and friends checked in and for some I couldn’t hold back to tears to fake the “I’m fine”. For others who caught me right after my last batch of tears for the hour, I was able to muster an “eh, I’m processing”. Because I knew I wasn’t ok so there was no need to lie. Social media was the devil of a distraction that I could have done without but chose not to. I kept seeing that damn meme. At this point I don’t even know what a push up is. What I do know is that pound cake and red wine pair well together. I have yet to crack open a book but I can tell you that I love that move Uncorked on Netflix and I’m so happy that Elijah did not give up after failing the test the first time. So now all this meme is doing is making me feel like crap for lacking discipline.

A different take

Then I saw this other one which I presume was made by someone who had circumstances that would stop them from fulfilling everything on this quarantine list. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a privilege to be able to turn a pandemic into “something fun or productive.”. But I could relate in the sense of knowing who you are and what your going through and not feeling attacked for not being productive. Some may see this as an excuse and on the surface I would say the same thing. The difference for me is that I try not to talk about all I had planned to do because at this moment those plans are null and void. Instead I accept why I choose not to be productive and why I choose to live in this state of grieving. I’m eating everything in site and making what I don’t see so I can eat it. But I know that I won’t continue this for much longer. I’m capable of accomplishing a lot once I set my mind to it. I just won’t let this meme set my mind to anything productive just yet.

There’s no right or wrong

We all grieve and deal with trauma differently. There is nothing wrong with these motivational quotes and memes pushing you to do better and be better. There’s also nothing wrong with being still for awhile and rest. It all comes down to how your receive your personal message from the universe during this time. Along with being quarantined for who knows how long, life is still happening. Unrelated to the coronavirus, people are still falling ill and dying. Someone is celebrating a birthday in a completely different way from what they planned. People are communicating more with their friends and family while others may take this time to not socialize at all. There is no right or wrong way to utilize your quarantine time. All that matters is that whatever you do ultimately brings you joy and mental peace.

xoxo

Jayell

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