My anxiety stems from always needing to be perfect. Always needing people to like me and be pleased with me. I hate confrontation so I avoid it by making sure I’m pleasing everyone. If they need something and I don’t have it, I’ll find it for them instead of saying “I don’t have it”. If they want to do something but it’s not something I want to do I’ll do it anyways and act like I’m having fun. I’ve grown to put my foot down in certain situations but not all….yet.
I was the yes girl. Yes to every damn thing. “Jess let’s go here, let’s do this, lemme borrow this amount, agree with me, be on my side…etc.”. My responses were always “sure, cool, ok…yes”. It got so bad that I started to hate something I once enjoyed. Braiding hair. I learned at a very young age thanks to my older cousin and mom who were my test models back in the day. I would do my own hair all the time and then people starting asking to get there’s done. I would be doing hair so much that I just got so annoyed and stopped doing it all together. Had I said “no” to a few people in between those days that I was too tired then maybe I wouldn’t have stopped the way I did. I just had a hard time saying “no”. Mainly because I kind of felt obligated. See, I was that kid that came to live with your family, the new face that you were suddenly seeing everyday. So as a way of doing my part around the house and making everyone happy with my presence I would say “yes” to everything including all hair requests. I was good at it so maybe that made people think that I wouldn’t mind doing it all the time but never saying “no” definitely didn’t help.
I’ve gotten better with saying “no” to things I don’t want to do. Some may see it as me being spiteful and that I just want to say “no” for the hell of it lol but that’s not the case. I can see why they would think that way tho, I’ve been saying yes for so many years that a “NO” seems unlike me, inorganic, purposely “defiant”, and for that I can only blame my younger self for not learning to say “no” sooner.
Some may see it as a drastic change in my personality but I see it as the true me finally making her way to the surface. Being able to do what I want to do without being fearful of repercussions. No one is going to punish me for not doing what they want. And so what if they get upset because I don’t show up for something or I can’t let them borrow a lil something. The world won’t end! You’re upset with me, just get over it. Life is way too short to be worried about who agrees with your life choices.
If we live our lives to please others we will never truly be happy. Not everyone is the same so there will always be a difference in opinion and preference but if we didn’t have those differences life would be boring.