“He needs to know how much he hurt me”, “He has to feel the pain that I feel”…and those were the thoughts that started off that 4 paragraph text message I would send to the lucky young man who hurt my little feelings because of what he did or didn’t do at the time. I have a message for my old self….HE DON’T CARE AND HE’S NOT GONNA READ IT SIS!
I thought I was making a statement and actually guilt tripping him into caring about how hurt I was but I should have just packed up my dignity and kept it moving the same way he did. He said he was coming to town to see me and I was hype because after the 4th cycle of break up to make up it was make up time again. But this time was different, he said he also wanted to go see the other girl he dated during our “break” and I lost it. The audacity of you to want to go see that dog-fac….that woman who was nowhere near as poppin’ as me!! See I was also the girl who would speak ill of the next chick (man I’ve grown lol) when I didn’t even know her from Adam (but I did know her from Facebook, my search game was on point). After he said that I felt like an option, like he was saying “well imma go see both of them then choose who I wanna be with for real”, well I wasn’t having it because this girl right here is always the only choice. I was so livid I didn’t even give him a chance to finish his sentence (I would regret this later on but life goes on). I hung up the phone and started typing. Yes, it would have made sense to stay on the phone and say all that I wanted to say but remember, I’m upset so my sentences will not be formed correctly and I’m emotional so I will cry while yelling at him and I have to remain a thug and thugs don’t cry. So there I was walking to the train crying and typing a few strong worded messages (with a voice message when my tears took a break).
The purpose of the messages was to tell him that he was a horrible person for hurting me again but I knew that he knew. He was aware of the impact those words would have on me but he just didn’t care. Those messages didn’t make him feel guilty for hurting me or made him hurt the same way. My feelings were separate from his and expressing my disdain for his existence was not going to take away the pain I was feeling nor strike him with the same discomfort. I was suppose to work through my feelings by myself with the help of a diary or a trusted friend who would just listen and not suggest that we find some dudes to jump him. All I wanted was to vent and he was not the person to vent to at all. I did more damage to myself because I allowed my emotions to take over. It’s even worse when the guy doesn’t respond to any of the 10 text messages or if his response is not what you expected. Hours later he finally responded and hit me with the “are you done?” (lmao), and just when I was going to start another long message he calls and I decided to answer because I was calm already. He explained himself and I actually listened and when he said he didn’t read after the first two sentences I was kind of relieved because I was embarrassed after I read what I had typed. I did not present myself in the best light and it seemed like my self esteem was not present at all.
When my feelings are hurt by someone, friends, family, or significant other, first I try to dissect why what they said hurt so much. Is it because there’s truth in what they said that I haven’t faced yet? Are they speaking from a hurt place and only trying to hurt me in the process? Is it even worth picking a fight over? My dignity is more important than letting someone know how much they hurt me. I give people more credit than that now. You know what you did, no need for me to tell you.