Single does not mean Lonely

Four years ago on my 25th birthday I felt grown. I’ve had a steady job for the past four years, my relationships with my friends and family were striving and I had finally stuck to a workout plan and ya girl was looking snatched and yes I was single!

Now as we fast forward to me approaching 30, with a new job that I’ve only had for the past three months, some deteriorated family connections and friendships, and don’t even think of asking me when was the last time I did some cardio. I am still single and somehow I have been categorized as “lonely” from people ranging from a 10yr old child to a 40 something male. It might be based on the fact that I have not introduced my family to a boyfriend since, well, never. There was this one dude back in 2011 that one side of my family met but he’s still a myth to the other side, I’ll give you the story on him later on.

By definition, single is “unmarried, unattached, without a partner, free (which is a personal fav)” — loneliness is “feeling sad and unhappy about being socially isolated.”. I am not sure when these two words became coupled but I believe them to still be mutually exclusive. Sure some may say that they feel lonely when not in a relationship but feeling that way sometimes does not make you a lonely person. There is a stigma on being a single woman that makes it hard for the majority to believe that she can be happy while single. That her jubilance can only stem from companionship. That her joyous exterior is only a façade and deep down inside she is secretly wishing for a partner. I am currently in the “when are you gonna have kids?” phase, because I am not quite a full woman until reproduce. Interestingly enough, I don’t hear “when are you gonna get married?” anymore, as if they gave up on that dream for me.

The most frustrating part is that I have friends and family members, females ranging 25-33yrs old questioning their entire existence. “I’m 27 with no kids, that’s crazy”, “I’m almost 30 with no man, why did this happen to me”, “I’m tired of seeing these young girls getting proposed to on Instagram”. Age has put us all in a panic, thinking that we should have a certain status because we’re getting older and maybe it’s linked to the fear of dying alone, I’m not sure, but what I do know is that it’s sickening and quite heartbreaking to hear these grown women with many accolades negate their life achievements and being consumed by the chase of a certain social status.

I use to chase the same thing. When I was 17 I just knew that by 25 I was going to be married with a child right out of college. Well, as you live you learn and I had to learn that God/the universe (yea religion is another subject I’ll talk about later) had a different path for me that what I had convinced myself to be true.

As a 29yr old single woman I would like to tell my sisters that you are not alone. Just because you see happiness through companionship all around you does not mean that you are defective. I’m not saying to give up hope of your dream of having a family of your own with a husband and child/children. I am saying to find happiness in this stage of life that you are in. We only have one life to live so why spend it worried about what we don’t have and when we will have it? Enjoy your days of being single, take up a new hobby (like I’m doing with blogging lol), take yourself out sometimes (I love my solo sushi dates), read more (I just started “An American Marriage” by Tayari Jones…yea I know but it’s not what you think), just do more of whatever you love to do and spread that joy to those around you. Your heart will thank you and your mind will stop punishing your spirit.

 

xoxo

JayEll

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13 thoughts on “Single does not mean Lonely

  1. I love how everything was written! Growing up your told hurry and go straight to college after high school.
    Once that is done you need to have a career then have your perfect family but, what happens when you only complete one out of the list of demands that society has placed on you. When you are a female the pressure is harder if you don’t amount to” the ” life style. If your not married or introduce a guy society especially older people automatically think you are gay. Before I use to justify my stance by the notion that my generation has more to deal with in comparison to our parents generation….I always defended ” my lack” with this fact. Now I have become more in tune with my self worth and needs that I don’t feel guilty about what society / religion has to say about MY timeline . I do want my own immediate family but, at the same time I love being selfish by putting me first especially when life pulls you in different directions. I will patiently wait for my little village( guy/ kids) because sometimes the wait can be so sweet. My grandmother always told me “don’t rush into anything take your time to learn life and make something of yourself before you settle down.” So I always think of her when people tell me other wise!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Girl! I had a gay roommate and that set off the gay rumors to another level lol. Your grandmother’s words are wise, I truly want to make something of myself before I decide to share my world with a partner and/or child.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok 1989…I honestly thought that by 30 I was going to have it made. My birthday is on Friday and I actually feel like I’m just getting started with life. I think of 30 as crossing over into official adulthood, even though it has been official for some time now. Anyway, I enjoy your writing and can’t wait to read more, no pressure. I too can relate to the timetables we set but I gave up on the dream in my early 20’s. At 13 I thought I would have the husband and kids by 21 but by 18 I realized how ridiculous it was. The “lonely” life as people like to say is not as bad as people make it and having children does not have to define me as a women – thank God for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Honestly, we (females) are almost brainwashed to think that happiness and a complete life ends with being married. We forget that we are more than our relationships and need to focus on being happy with our own company. No one can satisfy you but you. Marriage is not the answer. Kids are not the answer. These days there are so many ways to have kids besides the traditional way and it’s okay to have kids after 30. You may just end up being more stable emotionally and financially by then too. So I definitely agree single is not lonely especially when you can enjoy your own company. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This touched me. I’m a single mom, reason. I thought I was gone have the perfect family just like those instagram girls. I mean why not I had my family marriage had to be next. Right?! Wrong ! 1 5 year and 4 year old later I’m single not lonely but asking myself why am I not married to the father of my children (long story) I’ve now relocated from my home town and new state, new environment, new me.

    Your story is really inspiring. Think I might cancel that movie date for two and make it one for me. #enjoyingmysinglelifewith2kids

    Like

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